I need to write through the crazy

Sometimes I figure things out better scribbling furiously in my journal. This may explain why I go through 3-4 journals a year.

So, yesterday I finished the book "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Basically she covers compulsive overeating and how it's really just a way to avoid feeling something we don't want to feel in the moment. There's a LOT more to it than that or else there wouldn't be a book but that's the main gist... jist... gyst...?

So now when I'm hiding from Jeff in the kitchen so he doesn't know I'm shoving whatever into my mouth it's really because there's some feeling I don't want to avoid. So yesterday I was having one of those "really want to eat the entire half gallon of peanut butter brownie ice cream Jeff bought and I can't believe he bought that and brought that temptation into our home" moments and decided to scribble my crazy thoughts down instead.

In the book, Geneen asks what we love. It's the things we love about ourselves that should motivate us to take care of our bodies... rather than the things we hate. So I wrote What I Love in big letters and underlined it. I easily wrote: Jesus, Jeff, Chief, being with people.

Then I got stuck.

What do I love? What do I enjoy?

I was scared to write cooking or baking because those are clever ways for my brain to trick me into eating food when I feel like stuffing my feelings. I was also scared to write running because I've had horrible pain since Chief was born and am worried I won't be able to run again... also because running used to help me justify bingeing.

Then it occurred to me... I used to enjoy drawing. I used to enjoy writing. I would doodle and sketch and draw. But I was so embarrassed of it because it wasn't good that I would scribble it out and rip it up and throw it away... terrified someone would find it and laugh that I would even waste my time. Same with writing. I've been operating under the misconception that I cannot enjoy something unless I am good at it.

Now I read blogs. Blogs by artsy people who are good at writing. And I'm embarrassed to draw or paint or write.

But if I'm the writer of an artsy blog, there's no way I'm going to put the crap I create on a blog. The stuff that isn't good enough to make it up on the wall or be sold in my etsy store.

Why am I constantly comparing the products of what I enjoy doing to what other people do to make a living? It's not fair to myself to compare my doodles to professional work.

So instead of finding hobbies I've been eating.

I'm trying to rework my brain. Tell myself it's okay to do things even if I suck at them. Not to mention no one is good at anything at first unless they're a prodigy.

That is all.


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