My whole life, that I can remember, I've been an accomplishment-driven person. I saw no point in doing something in which I couldn't succeed. Trying out for something that I wasn't guaranteed to make was a waste of time. Attempting a goal that I didn't already know was well within my grasp was my worst enemy. Because, truth is, I'm afraid to fail.

Maybe that's the real reason I didn't apply to med school. I was afraid of my 3.6 GPA not making the cut, when I knew all too well several students with 4.0s that were applying.

Maybe that's the real reason I didn't try to play soccer in college. I was scared. Scared to be a walk-on. Scared I would sit the bench for four years. Scared people might know I'm not the best.

Maybe that's why my art supplies sit in a closet, untouched, for weeks on end. Because if I can't create something that's good enough for a gallery or to sell on an etsy shop, it's a waste of time.

I know it's why every story I wrote as a young girl got ripped into pieces and thrown in the trash. I was terrified someone might read it and discover I was a fraud. Someone trying to do something at which they were no good.

When did we decide that we could only do things at which we were experts? Why does everything we do have to be good enough for people we don't know? It's the curse to living in the digital age. You read blogs, check twitter, gloss over facebook pages. Never realizing that people are only putting what they want you to see. It's not their day-to-day life you're observing... it's their report card version of themselves.

Truth is, I desperately need to vacuum because my dog is a belgian shepherd and sheds like crazy. Chief doesn't get regular baths... heck I don't get regular baths. I overeat on occassion and have not even kind of gotten back into shape after having a baby. My husband and I fight often because of my insecurities and when I hear our neighbors outside their doors I stay inside and wait to take the dog out until they go in. Because I am selfish and anti-social. But, thankfully, God is so gracious. He loves me anyway... despite me. And there are rare glimpses of His grace in me. When I would rather play with Chief than read blogs... when I make a point to go say hi to Donna, the woman across the hall. When I text a friend to meet up for coffee when I would much rather be a hermit.

I don't have to be perfect. No one expects that of me. I have nothing to earn. I just have a gracious Lord and Savior to love and a family to honor out of that love. And when I fail at that, God is still good. For that, I am very grateful.


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