I should be better than this!

Sin is so tricky. Just when you think you've beaten your pet sin into submission it rears its ugly head.

Mine is food! How I love to eat. How I love to taste breads and pastries and sugar, sugar, sugar.

How my body loves to gain weight and hates to lose it.

How I love to throw pity parties!

I am having one of those days. I just want to lay on the floor in a ball and cry. I worked so hard. I had lost four lbs consistently. Then this weekend we had a Christmas party as well as my annual baking day to make boxes of sweets as presents... and it all went to crap. Not to mention once I get on one of these "benders" it takes a few days for me to snap out of it.

And the 4 lbs I lost? All back. ALL OF IT.

I hate when this happens.

This is when I get resentful of skinny fat people. People who are naturally thin.

I wish food didn't consume me. I wish I didn't know how many calories were in everything. I wish throwing it up didn't seem so easy. But I don't want to go back down that dark road. I wish I didn't eat to make myself forget about how much I've eaten.

I wish I could just go to the Lord. I wish I could love Him more and believe HE is better than anything sin offers.

I know this seems silly but this is my life. This is the same train wreck I willingly subject myself to every so often. I want it to be over. I want to not hate myself during these times. I want to be normal about food. I want to know what it's like to stop when I'm full or to not have guilt over eating a brownie or to feel like I have value when I've eaten a salad.

God, God, God... help me. I believe You are good... help my unbelief.


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