What happens when the heart just stops?

Sometimes my heart just breaks.

Today it breaks for my friend who cannot have babies. My friend who wants to be a mommy. Wants her belly to swell with a growing baby. Wants to know the blessing of children.

It is breaking for friends who are no longer friends. Friends I used to be so close to. Friends I used to share deep secrets with. Friends I have cried on my knees on a bathroom floor with. Friends who I now haven't talked to in months. Because the relationship is dead.

It is breaking over my inability to "do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility to count others more significant than" myself. Why can't I do this?! Why does my selfish ambition rear its ugly head at every opportunity? Why am I incapable of loving others more than myself?

My heart hurts that society doesn't give felons a second chance. Jeff is a felon. Because of this, he can't work certain jobs. Even if he were to get an MD, he couldn't work in a hospital. Because of this, we can never adopt, unless it is a private adoption. Something we both yearn for. We have been told NO. No. No. No.

I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. In them I can praise God for His providence. His plan. His ability to love me more than I can love others. His ability to forgive Jeff and give him a second and third and 700th chance when society will not.

I have to believe that my Lord has ordained this. I have to believe that He is in control. I have to KNOW that my hope is not in babies or friends or relationships or the law. My hope is in Jesus. That cannot be taken away. That is the only thing I can cling to.


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