Are you even worth being on the planet?

We all feel the need to justify our existence.

Whether it's by being attractive, athletic, a good cook, a good spouse, a good parent, a good employee, wise, whatever.

The worst part about feeling like I had no worth growing up was the different ways in manifested itself.

I put myself in not so great situations.

Feeling I was already "damaged goods" due to my history of sexual abuse, I saw no reason to try and fulfill the "good girl" persona. So being "Super Church Girl was definitely out of the picture.

Instead, I pursued "Fun Party Girl." Except I wasn't so great at that either...

Remember that annoying girl that stumbled around at high school parties? (Assuming you went to those parties...)

She wore shirts that tied in the back and was forever begging you to re-tie it for her because, for the 678th time that night, someone had untied it?

She may have laughed a little too loud, cried a little too much, threw up at inopportune times...

Yep. Me. Guilty.

Here was my point- maybe I was being annoying... but at least people knew who I was. I was that dumb drunk girl, yes, but I existed. Maybe I made out with a few guys... but at least I was the girl they knew would put out.

It's a sad rep to uphold. And it doesn't really say much for my self-esteem. But I so desperately wanted to be noticed. I had no worth on my own, you see, being damaged goods. No respectable guy would want me. So I just had to be known. Be acknowledged. Even if it was in all the wrong ways. Even if doing so only further contributed to my feelings of worthlessness. 

Because that's what happens when you're caught in the perpetual cycle of justifying your existence... you have to keep it up. It's a 24/7 job. You can't ever take a break. You can't turn it off. And you will NEVER be good enough. Ever. It may look different day to day, week to week. And your new way of justifying your existence may look like "giving up" on the old ways. But you just. keep. at. it.

And it is tiring. And Godless. And lonely. And vulnerable. And makes you feel like giving up. Because you aren't worth it, anyway.

So think about it. Think of all the ways you try and convince people day to day that you deserve their time. That you deserve to breathe the air you breathe. Do you even notice you're doing it? Is it second-nature at this point? Do you try and justify your existence under the guise of being healthy, super-spiritual, the "good girl" or "good boy"? How much thought do you put into your Facebook status updates or your Instagram pictures?

Let me know in the comments.
I'll share my tricks of the trade soon.


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