The process of letting go...

I am so controlling.

I am so controlling and so in need of parameters and formulas and programs and the right book that I almost googled "How to rely on God" several times today. I just want an easy 3-step process. I like steps. I like formulas.

The problem is they inevitably let me down.

Take, for instance, my obsession with my body image. This regularly goes to battle with my reliance on food in times of stress, boredom, loneliness... etc. etc.

So I give up flour. I give up sugar. I give up eating after certain times. I give up counting calories. I give up weighing myself every day. I give up weighing myself ever. I give up...

So many formulas. So many opportunities for me to shove my fingers into it all and conjure up some way I can just FIX it. The thought of turning it all over to God and throwing myself at His mercy is terrifying.

There is wisdom out there... but I must proceed with caution. It is true that avoiding candy bars after every meal is a good idea. But it is when I take that as the final truth and manipulate it to achieve self-glory or satisfaction in something other than Jesus that I take it too far.

It is true that feeding my kids healthy foods and reading them stories and spending time with them will help them to become better-adjusted children. But even in that, I am not promised such things. My kids are still in God's hands. They can still get sick or injured. They can still become homeless drug-addicts. No matter how much control I think I have over the outcome, it is all laughable really.

Can I really trust God to change me? That He can take care of me? That He really knows what is best for me? What will make me more like Christ? Maybe it's not in my best interest spiritually to lose the weight I gained having my kids. Am I willing to accept that and pursue Him anyway?

There are a million tiny decisions in a day that make up faithfulness... believing God's ways are better than my own... believing His thoughts really are higher. Each time I faithfully rely on Him and pursue Him in His word rather than taking matters into my own hand is faithfulness and trust. It's no huge gesture. It's all the tiny thoughts I take captive and submit to Christ. It's choosing to read His word and put that in my mind rather than thoughts of defeat. Asking for the power of the One who created the universe to CHANGE me rather than a book or a podcast.

This is the first of the process. Lord, help me to be submissive to your Spirit.


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