When nothing is delivering...

I am tired. I am sure it has something to do with being 34 weeks pregnant with two toddlers, but I still somehow think I can beat it. I am internally blaming my thyroid or my diet or lack of exercise. But maybe I just need to call it what it is... my body is exhausted and there's not much I can do about it besides wait for this baby to arrive.

Being the fixer that I am, I have been seeking solutions to my fatigue issue. I have prayed for supernatural energy, pored over blogs seeking some sort of inspiration, read parenting books (my parenting isn't so great as of late), taken naps, guzzled coffee... all of the above. I want a quick fix for this problem and nothing is delivering.

At what point do we tap out? At what point do we kind of say, "well, this is my life right now. It's not ideal, but it is what it is." Not in a lazy way... I think more so in a, "this is my situation. I can't change it. What is God wanting to do with this?"

Maybe I need to drop some things... I already feel like I don't do much... but then there are things that really just  need to get done (dishes, laundry, dinner, etc.) I don't exactly know where to draw the line on what my boys need from me. Are they really content with endless sitting on the couch and reading stories? Are they happy enough with doing stickers every single day? (Notice I choose activities where I can do a lot of sitting).

I chose the word "faithfulness" for this year and I definitely believe "faithfulness" is a word that is fluid, changing with the seasons of life. What faithfulness looks like as a 34-week-pregnant mom with two toddlers is a lot different from what faithfulness will look like three months from now, or three years from now. Knowing that it is fluid, I can only trust God to show me... I have been praying Psalm 143:8- Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

God... let me hear... Lord... make me know. Because I clearly do not. None of my usual fixes are helping. I am tired. You know this. You have given me my situation- my boys, my pregnancy, my home. You are real and present. I don't know which way to go, but I trust you.

Here's to hoping in the future that this is the first place I turn- Lord, show me what faithfulness looks like today. Rather than after I have exhausted every other worldly resource.


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